Bronnie Ware

It is all we ever have anyway, the moment we are in.

It is too easy to always want more from life, she said, and that’s fine to a degree, since expanding who we are is a part of dreaming and growing. But as we will never have everything we want and will always be growing, appreciating what we already have along the way is the most important thing. Life goes so fast, she stated, whether you live into your twenties, forties or eighties.

‘Every day is a gift now. Every day was always a gift, but it’s only now I have slowed down enough to truly see the huge amount of beauty each day offers.

‘It really is our own choice, isn’t it? We can stop ourselves from being happy because we think we don’t deserve it, or because we allow the opinions of others to become a part of who we are. But it is not who we are, is it? We can be whoever we allow ourselves to be. My God, why didn’t I work this out sooner? What a waste!’

‘Why are you happy?’ Rosemary asked one morning [...] I smiled at the question, thinking how far I had come myself to be even asked such a question. Considering what I had been going through [...] ‘Because happiness is a choice, Rosemary, and one I try to make every day. Some days I can’t. Like you, I’ve had a hard life; in different ways, but still hard. But rather than dwelling on what’s wrong and how hard I’ve done it, I try to find the blessings in each day and appreciate the moment I am in, as much as I can,’ I told her honestly. ‘We have the freedom to choose what we focus on. I try to choose the positive stuff, like getting to know you, like doing work I love, not being under pressure to reach sales targets, and appreciating my health and every day of being alive.’

Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable either. I wasted precious time not letting them all know what a mess I was.

I had begun to think of some of my own ‘friends’ more as warm acquaintances lately. It didn’t mean I thought less of them; they were still a blessing in my life. But having been to some pretty dark places in myself, I now understood what a real friend was. It is easy to have a lot of acquaintances and I did love those people for the enjoyable role we played in each other’s lives. When it comes to the crunch though, not many people can hang around through the very worst of the pain with someone else. Those who do are truly friends.

In the end, only happy memories remained. Letting go of the friendship was relatively painless—I could see no point in having a relationship that did not allow for honesty or balance. None of us are perfect, myself included. I contributed to the breakdown of that friendship too, whether consciously or not. But to be in any sort of relationship where you do not express yourself, simply to keep the peace, is a relationship ruled by one person and will never be balanced or healthy.

Just because someone doesn’t respond the way you wish, that doesn’t mean you should regret the attempt to express yourself. The reaction of others is their choice, just as our own reactions are no-one else’s responsibility.

We should never feel guilty for expressing our feelings and we should never make someone else feel guilty, if they have found the courage to do so.

‘Yes. So much is held back by pride, apathy, fear of reprisal or humiliation. But it also takes a lot of courage sometimes Jude, and we are not always strong enough to do this.’ ‘Yes, it takes courage, Bronnie,’ Jude continued. ‘That’s the point I am trying to make. It takes courage to express your feelings, particularly if you are not doing okay and need assistance, or if you’ve never expressed honest feelings to someone you love and don’t know how it will be received. But the more you practise sharing your feelings, whatever they are, the better things become. Pride is such a waste of time. Honestly, look at me now. I can’t even wipe my own bum. What does it matter? We are all human. We are allowed to be vulnerable too. It is a part of the process.’

It is easy for us all to assume we will live forever, but life doesn’t work that way. Through the storms of life, some young ones will always go. Like flowers blossoming, not yet ripened into fruit, they will be taken away before they can realise their full potential. Others will make it through to full maturity and go out at their best. Still others will live past their prime and slowly degenerate over the years. While it is often referred to as dying before their time, it isn’t really. We all go when it is our own time. Millions of people are not destined to live a long life. It is the assumption we will all live forever, or at least until a very advanced age, that brings so much shock and despair when someone young dies.

It had taken me completely by surprise when I realised that I had become so caught up in my wounds, I was only able to focus on how hard my life had been.

We agreed there is always a gift in any challenge. ‘People play the victim forever,’ she continued. ‘But who are they kidding? They are only robbing themselves. Life doesn’t owe you anything. Neither does anyone else. Only you owe yourself. So the best way to make the most out of life is to appreciate the gift of it, and choose not to be a victim.’

‘I think I was scared. Yes, I was. I was petrified. My role had come to define me in a way. Of course now as I sit here dying, I see that just being a good person is more than enough in life. Why do we depend so much on the material world to validate us?’ John thought out loud, his random sentences filled with sadness for both past and future generations who wanted everything, basing their importance on what they owned and what they did, rather than on who they were in their hearts.

So if we were all to become a product of our environment, myself included, the best thing I could do was to choose the right environments from here on, ones that would suit the direction I wanted my life to move towards. It was still going to take courage to live the way I wanted, but this new awareness of choosing the right environment would at least make the journey easier. With this consciousness and renewed bravery, I became more mindful of the life I was creating, and the power that lies in the freedom of choice.

If he didn’t try, he couldn’t fail. [...] As the sun rose and set each day, Anthony chose to sleep his life away.

Grace had kept up appearances and lived the way others expected her to, only now realising the choice to do so had always been her own and was based on fear.

‘Look at me now,’ Grace continued. ‘Dying. Dying! How can it be possible I have waited all of these years to be free and independent and now it’s too late?’

I had to let go first. Trying to control the timing and outcome was a terrible waste of energy. My intentions were already out there and I had taken what action I could. My only job now was to get out of the way.