Nationalité : États-Unis
Biographie :
Lundy Bancroft est un psychothérapeute états-unien spécialiste des violences conjugales et de la maltraitance parentale, auteur de plusieurs ouvrages de référence.
Dans son activité de thérapeute, Lundy Bancroft anime des ateliers de maris et concubins violents. Dans "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" (2003), bestseller vendu à plus de 400 000 copies, il décrit son parcours de thérapeute face à la problématique des violences intrafamiliales et comment il a dû, à travers son expérience de terrain, se déminer de tous les préjugés dominants, autant dans la population générale que dans les cercles de thérapeutes, au sujet des agresseurs et des raisons de leurs passages à l'acte, avant de trouver des procédés efficaces. Son travail consiste à mettre l'accent sur la prise de conscience de l'agresseur de sa responsabilité personnelle, au lieu de chercher des réponses psychologiques ou biographiques qui justifieraient son comportement et lui donneraient davantage d'armes prêtes-à-l'emploi face à ses victimes et pour les garder sous emprise.
Il a signé quatre autres ouvrages sur la question des violences conjugales et familiales, dont certains s'axent sur le traitement des enfants victimes ou témoins de ces violences :
- "The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics" (2002, réédité en 2011),
- "When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse" (2005),
- "Should I Stay or Should I Go? A Guide to Knowing Your Relationship Can – and Should – Be Saved" (2011), et
- "Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?
Encouragement for Women Involved with Angry and Controlling Men" (2015).
L'un des objectifs politiques et sociaux de Lundy Bancroft est que la violence conjugale et parentale soit reconnue et traitée comme une atteinte aux droits humains fondamentaux des femmes et des enfants.
+ Voir plusLundy Bancroft est un psychothérapeute états-unien spécialiste des violences conjugales et de la maltraitance parentale, auteur de plusieurs ouvrages de référence.
Dans son activité de thérapeute, Lundy Bancroft anime des ateliers de maris et concubins violents. Dans "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" (2003), bestseller vendu à plus de 400 000 copies, il décrit son parcours de thérapeute face à la problématique des violences intrafamiliales et comment il a dû, à travers son expérience de terrain, se déminer de tous les préjugés dominants, autant dans la population générale que dans les cercles de thérapeutes, au sujet des agresseurs et des raisons de leurs passages à l'acte, avant de trouver des procédés efficaces. Son travail consiste à mettre l'accent sur la prise de conscience de l'agresseur de sa responsabilité personnelle, au lieu de chercher des réponses psychologiques ou biographiques qui justifieraient son comportement et lui donneraient davantage d'armes prêtes-à-l'emploi face à ses victimes et pour les garder sous emprise.
Il a signé quatre autres ouvrages sur la question des violences conjugales et familiales, dont certains s'axent sur le traitement des enfants victimes ou témoins de ces violences :
- "The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics" (2002, réédité en 2011),
- "When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse" (2005),
- "Should I Stay or Should I Go? A Guide to Knowing Your Relationship Can – and Should – Be Saved" (2011), et
- "Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?
Encouragement for Women Involved with Angry and Controlling Men" (2015).
L'un des objectifs politiques et sociaux de Lundy Bancroft est que la violence conjugale et parentale soit reconnue et traitée comme une atteinte aux droits humains fondamentaux des femmes et des enfants.
Source : http://lundybancroft.com/books/
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Lundy Bancroft at EADV event speaks on Domestic Violence in Popular Culture. Department of Revenue, Boston, MA December 15, 2010. (Part 7)
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No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn't rise and your blood shouldn't boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you –as will happen to any abused woman from time to time– he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.
When I have new clients, I go to the board and draw a compass with the needle pointing straight up to a big N. “You want your partner to be this compass,” I say to them, “and you want to be North. No matter where the compass goes, it always points in the same direction. And no matter where she goes, and what she's doing, or what's on her mind, you expect her to always be focused on you.” My clients sometimes protest me, “But that's what being in a relationship is about. We're SUPPOSED to focus on each other.” But I notice that when he focuses on her, most of what he thinks about is what she can do for him, not the other way around. And when he doesn't feel like focusing on her at all, he doesn't bother.
An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a bottomless pit. But he's not so much needy as ENTITLED, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep coming up with more demands because he believes his needs are your responsibility, until you feel drained to nothing.
An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a bottomless pit. But he's not so much needy as ENTITLED, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep coming up with more demands because he believes his needs are your responsibility, until you feel drained to nothing.
Early in a relationship, Rambo is likely to be loving and kind to his partner, like most abusers. Because he lacks fear—or pretends to—he can make a woman feel safe and protected. This type of abuser can therefore be particularly appealing to a woman who comes from a violent home herself or to one *who is in the process of leaving another abusive relationship*. Rambo can make you feel as though his aggressiveness would never be directed toward you; he wishes to look after your safety as if you were his daughter. He enjoys the role of protector, feeling like a gallant knight. However, he lacks respect for women, and this disrespect, combined with his general violent tendencies, means that it is only a matter of time before he will be the one you need protection FROM.
An abuser's show of emotion after early indicents of abuse can be dramatic: I have had clients who cry, beg their partners for forgiveness, and say, "You deserve so much better, I don't know why you are even with a jerk like me." His remorse can create the impression that he is reaching out for real intimacy, especially if you've never seen him looking so sad before. But in a day or two his guit is vanquished, driven out my his internal excuse-making skills. The effects of the incident last much longer for the abused woman, of course, and pretty soon the abuser may be snapping at her: "What, aren't you over that YET? Don't dwell on it, for crying out loud. Let's put it behind us and move forward." His attitude is: "I'm over it, so why isn't she?"
The abusive man's high entitlement leads him to have unfair and unreasonable expectations, so that the relationship revolves around his demands. His attitude is: “You owe me.” For each ounce he gives, he wants a pound in return. He wants his partner to devote herself fully to catering to him, even if it means that her own needs –or her children's– get neglected. You can pour all your energy into keeping your partner content, but if he has this mind-set, he'll never be satisfied for long. And he will keep feeling that YOU are controlling HIM, because he doesn't believe that you should set any limits on his conduct or insist that he meet his responsibilities.
At this point I required Brad to leave the workshop. I then had to deal with a mini-insurrection from some of the other workshop participants, who couldn't believe I was ejecting this gentle man who was so in touch with his feelings. He CRIES after all; how could he be abusive?
This “gentle man” type of abuser tends to be highly self-centered and demanding of emotional catering. He might not be the man who has a fit because dinner is late but rather erupts because of some way his partner failed to sacrifice her own needs or interests to keep him content. He plays up how fragile he is to divert attention from the swath of destruction he leaves behind him.
This “gentle man” type of abuser tends to be highly self-centered and demanding of emotional catering. He might not be the man who has a fit because dinner is late but rather erupts because of some way his partner failed to sacrifice her own needs or interests to keep him content. He plays up how fragile he is to divert attention from the swath of destruction he leaves behind him.
When Mr. Right decides to take control of a conversation, he switches in his Voice of Truth, giving the definitive pronouncement on what is the correct answer or the proper outlook. Abuse counselors call this tactic DEFINING REALITY. Over time, his tone of reality can cause his partner to doubt her own judgement and come to see herself as not very bright. I notice how often I am speaking with the intelligent-sounding partner of one of my clients, only to have her say to me: "I'm not that smart." The abuser WANTS her to doubt her mental abilities in this way, so that he can control her better.
Not only are the rights of his partner and children diminished –with some abusers those little circles disappear altogether– but his rights are greatly inflated. My fundamental task as a counselor is to get the abusive man to EXPAND his perception of his partner's and children's rights to their proper size and to SHRINK his view of his own rights down to where it belongs. The abusive man awards himself all kinds of "rights", including:
* Physical caretaking,
* Emotional caretaking,
* Sexual caretaking,
* Deference,
* Freedom from accountability.
* Physical caretaking,
* Emotional caretaking,
* Sexual caretaking,
* Deference,
* Freedom from accountability.
Few abusive men rely entirely on verbal abuse or intimidation to control their partners. Being a nonstop bully is too much work, and it makes the man look bad. If he is abusive all the time, his partner starts to recognize that she's being abused, and the man may feel too guilty about his behavior. The abuser therefore tends to switch frequently to manipulating his partner to get what he wants. He may also sometimes use these tactics just to get her upset or confused.
One of the most important challenges facing a counselor of abusive men is to resist being drawn in by the men's charming persona. As they sit chatting and joking in their group meeting, cruelty and selfishness seem faraway. I find myself wondering the same thing he neighbors do: Could this guy really get that mean? And even after he admits to what he does, it's *still* hard to believe. This contrast is a key reason why abusers can get away with what they do.
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