George Mikes

You must not refuse any additional cups of tea under the following circumstances: if it is hot; if it is cold; if you are tired; if anybody thinks that you might be tired; if you are nervous; if you are gay; before you go out; if you are out; if you have just returned home; if you feel like it; if you do not feel like it; if you have had no tea for some time; if you have just had a cup.

In England the boy pats his adored one on the back and says softly: "I don't object to you, you know." If he is quite mad with passion, he may add: "I rather fancy you, in fact."

(about a boy declaring his love to a girl)

Si le peuple, lors des élections, porte librement son choix sur des hommes stupides et égoïstes pour les charger de gérer ses affaires les plus importantes, c'est qu'il est sans doute plus stupide que ses élus. Les gouvernants du moins trouvent du plaisir à exercer leur pouvoir. Les masses, elles, n'ont que le plaisir de recevoir les coups de pieds des imbéciles

Si les missionnaires de la vieille école n'ont généralement pas réussi à convertir les masses des non-Européens au christianisme, les missionnaires modernes que sont les représentants de commerce ont plus de chance de les convertir aux réfrigérateurs et aux scooters.

Use BUBU Washing Powder. By the way, have you ever tried the whiteness test? Here is Mrs Spooner from Framlingham. Now, Mrs Spooner, which would you say is the whiter of these two pairs of knickers?
MRS SPOONER: This one.
THE ANNOUNCER: You are perfectly right, Mrs Spooner. That is the one washed in PRIDE. So you don't get your five pounds, Mrs Spooner - no fear. Nevertheless, ladies and gentlemen, just go on using BUBU. Who likes that blinding, ugly, vulgar whiteness, in any case? After all, people don't see you knickers. At least they shouldn't. BUBU WASHES GREYEST.

It is all right to have central eating in an English home, except in the bath room, because that is the only place where you are naked and wet at the same time, and you must give British germs a fair chance.

Un Siamois m'a dit avec une sincérité désarmante : "Si nous sommes un peuple sérieux, c'est grâce à nos femmes, qui sont des êtres admirables. Elles ont toutes les qualités de notre race, tandis que nous, les hommes, nous en avons tous les défauts."

Car, au fond, qu'y a-t-il de commun entre un chasseur kirghiz et une geisha ? Rien, et c'est bien dommage pour le chasseur kirghiz.

On the Continent people have good food, in England people have good table manners.

The verb to naturalize clearly proves what the British think of you. Before you are admitted to British citizenship you are not even considered a natural human being. I looked up the word natural (na'tural) in the Pocket Oxford Dictionary (p.251); it says: Of or according to or provided by nature, physically existing, innate, instinctive, normal, not miraculous, or spiritual or artificial or conventional... Note that before you obtain British citizenship, they simply doubt that you are provided by nature.

In principle the British Civil Servant stands always at the disposal of the public. In practice he is either in 'conference' or out for lunch, or in but having his tea, or just out. Some develop an admirable technique of going out for tea before coming back from lunch.

You should also invent a few truly original, constructive theories too, such as:
Only Brahmanism can save the world.
Spiritualism is a factor, growing immensely in importance, and a practical, working coalition between ghosts and Trotskyites, would be highly desirable.
The abolition of all taxation would enrich the population so enormously that everybody would be able to pay much more taxes than before.