Lucinda Berry

SPOILER !!

Their relationship was a secret. Nobody knew, not even Caleb. I wonder what he thinks now? Except their texts don’t call it a relationship, and as soon as Jacob makes reference to the two of them being a couple, the pullback from Sawyer is immediate and obvious, even though it’s clear Sawyer has feelings for him too. Jacob is head over heels in love with Sawyer and doesn’t care who finds out. His texts move from brief misspelled shorthand, emojis, and videos to long, carefully drafted sentences :

I know we said that we didn’t want things to get serious because we’re so young but we can’t control the way we feel. I don’t understand what you’re so afraid of. I’m not gay. You can’t control who you love. Who said anything about love?

“I did it.” His voice is wobbly, unsure. “I killed Sawyer.” His eyes furtively scan the room until they land on me, searching for connection. My mouth is too dry to speak. Limbs too frozen in shock to move toward him. My son. The one confessing murder in front of me. I’m not ready for what comes next, but I can’t look away. “I didn’t mean to, Mom. I didn’t.” Each word is purposeful—deliberate and slow. I nod at him because I can’t speak. My words stripped from me in the same way his were. I’m sure he didn’t. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t. Not my Caleb. He slowly shifts his attention to Lindsey. He swallows a few times. “Jacob shot himself.” Swallows again. “Not me. I had nothing to do with that.”

I’d expected to find a really frightened and traumatized girl, but Janie was talking and smiling with her nurses when I walked into the room.” Her room had been an explosion of color that day, filled with balloons and stuffed animals donated by the hospital staff. Everyone who had met her had brought something with them, and I was no different. I’d come with a small teddy bear holding a heart in its paws. She’d sat in the center of the room perched on her bed while the nurses took turns trying to coax smiles out of her. “She wasn’t incapacitated with fear like I’d expected. People had made her sound like she was some kind of feral child, but she wasn’t.”

“They never acted like they were in love. Nothing. Just regular. But they lied. All the time. I was so angry. Pissed off.” His voice is deeper than I remember it. He struggles to find more words. “Not because they were hanging out together by themselves. They push me away all the time. I’m used to it. I thought they were leaving me out. Again. Like all the other times. You don’t know what that feels like.” He shifts his eyes away in embarrassment. (…) i was so mad because they kept lying to me about things. That’s what was driving me crazy. »

I don’t remember getting the gun. I remember being furious and running upstairs. I was just so angry. The next thing I know, I’m downstairs with the gun. Sawyer was still going off. He was screaming at Jacob, and Jacob was crying. It was like the saddest cry ever. And Sawyer wouldn’t leave him alone. He was on him. I screamed at him to stop. He wouldn’t stop. He just wouldn’t stop.” There’s an eerie detachment to his voice. Pain too deep for tears. “I threatened him with the gun and—and . . . he said I was too big of a pussy to do it.

Kendra, Lindsey, and I have been so lucky. We’ve gotten to live the life we whispered about when we were little girls huddled underneath our blankets at sleepovers. We always talked about living in the town we grew up in, marrying amazing men, and raising our children together. We couldn’t believe it when our three oldest boys were as close as we were growing up. We knew how good we had it and how fortunate we were that our husbands got along so well. What will happen to us?

I tried to pretend I was happy and excited about the baby, but all I could think about was Janie and how it would affect her. She was the child in front of me. It was hard to feel close to a baby that was only real in discussion. Love flooded me the instant I thought about being Janie’s dad, and I kept waiting for the sudden rush of love for our new baby, but it just didn’t come. It felt surreal, like it wasn’t really happening or like it was happening to someone else.

That’s what he’s calling this? One of Caleb’s best friends is dead, and the other one is in a coma. We step around their imaginary bodies in our family room. Caleb’s life will never be the same. Ever.

jacob’s last text to Sawyer was sent the day before the accident. My blood chills as I read his words:

I wanted to kill you when I saw you flirting with those girls at lunch.