Dans les ténèbres

Le médecin sourit. c'est un homme très charmant. On dirait Idriss Elba avec un stéthoscope.

Parfois, il est plus facile de ne pas affronter ce genre de choses, dis-je en me forçant à revenir dans le présent. Parfois, le silence est préférable.

But now, for the first time, I have his skin against my skin, and his smell in my nostrils. Bath soap, milk, piss, that sweet biscuit scent little children always seem to have. He leans against my chest and I feel his heaviness shift in my arms. Alex always says there's a reason why women who have no kids have cats. Something warm and living that's just the weight of a baby - something you can lift and hold against you just as you would a child; there's a deep physiological pleasure in that, which goes beyond conscious love. And standing here, holding this boy against me, I feel it too.

Je sais combien ça peut être difficile. Quitter le passé sans l'abandonner. Sans se sentir coupable chaque fois que l'on sourit.

Comment communiquer avec un enfant qui ne connaît rien ? Qui est né là, dans les ténèbres ?

'We thought we'd wait for you before we opened it,' says the pathologist. 'And it isn't even your birthday.'
His name is Colin Boddie. And yes, I know, that's not funny. Only it is; of course it is. He's heard the gags so many times he's developed his own brand of pathological humour to go with it. It can sound crass, if you don't know him, but it's just a form of carapace. A way to keep the horror at bay. And what they've got here - despite the daylight and all the busy professional apparatus - is still the stuff of nightmares.

'Mr Gardiner? I'm DI Adam Fawley -'
'I know. you were here last time. You and that man Osbourne.'
'Why don't you sit down.'
'Policemen only ever say that when it's bad news.'
He comes further into the room and I gesture towards the chair. He hesitates, then sits, but on the edge of the seat.

Someone said, didn't they, that April is the cruellest month. Well, whoever it was, they weren't a detective. Cruelty can happen any time - I know, I've seen it. But the cold and the dark somehow dull the edge. Sunlight and birdsong and blue skies can be brutal in this job. Perhaps it's the contrast that does it. Death and hope.

Le sang est vraiment plus fort que l'eau.

Je sais combien ça peut être difficile . Quitter le passé sans l’abandonner. Sans se sentir coupable chaque fois que l’on sourit.