Rita Mae Brown

"Tout ce que tu peux faire dans la vie, c’est être toi-même. Certains t’aimeront pour qui tu es. La plupart t’aimeront pour les services que tu peux leur rendre, d’autres ne t’aimeront pas (Rita Mae Brown)"

The Christmas pageant was an enormous production. All the mothers
came, and it was so important that they even took off work. Cheryl’s father
was sitting right in the front row in the seat of honor. Carrie and Florence
showed up to marvel at me being Virgin Mary and at Leroy in robes. Leroy
and I were so excited we could barely stand it, and we got to wear make-up,
rouge, and red lipstick. Getting painted was so much fun that Leroy
confessed he liked it too, although boys aren’t supposed to, of course. I told
him not to worry about it, because he had a beard and if you had a beard, it
must be all right to wear lipstick if you wanted to because everyone will
know you’re a man. He thought that sounded reasonable and we made a
pact to run away as soon as we were old enough and go be famous actors.
Then we could wear pretty clothes all the time, never pick potato bugs, and
wear lipstick whenever we felt like it. We vowed to be so wonderful in this
show that our fame would spread to the people who run theaters.

That week I thought of how to ask Leota to marry me. I’d die in front of
her and ask her in my last breath. If she said yes, I’d miraculously recover.
I’d send her a note on colored paper with a white dove. I’d ride over to her
house on Barry Aldridge’s horse, sing her a song like in the movies, then
she’d get on the back of the horse and we’d ride off into the sunset. None of
them seemed right so I decided to come straight out and ask.
Next Monday after school Leroy, Leota, and I were walking home. I gave
Leroy a dime and told him to go on ahead to Mrs. Hershener’s for an ice
cream. He offered no resistance as his stomach always came first.
“Leota, you thought about getting married?”
“Yeah, I’ll get married and have six children and wear an apron like my
mother, only my husband will be handsome.”
“Who you gonna marry?”
“I don’t know yet.”
“Why don’t you marry me? I’m not handsome, but I’m pretty.”
“Girls can’t get married.”
“Says who?”
“It’s a rule.”
“It’s a dumb rule. Anyway, you like me better than anybody, don’t you? I
like you better than anybody.”
“I like you best, but I still think girls can’t get married.”
“Look, if we want to get married, we can get married. It don’t matter
what anybody says. Besides Leroy and I are running away to be famous
actors. We’ll have lots of money and clothes and we can do what we want.
Nobody dares tell you what to do if you’re famous. Now ain’t that a lot
better than sitting around here with an apron on?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Then let’s kiss like in the movies and we’ll be engaged.”
We threw our arms around each other and kissed. My stomach felt funny.
“Does your stomach feel strange?”
“Kinda.”
“Let’s do it again.”
We kissed again and my stomach felt worse. After that, Leota and I went
off by ourselves each day after school. Somehow we knew enough not to go
around kissing in front of everyone, so we went into the woods and kissed
until it was time to go home.

Carolyn was captain of the cheerleaders and she usually showed up in the
lunchroom in her uniform with blue tassels on her white boots. Connie and
I scoffed at such a thing as cheerleading, but Carolyn was the social leader
of the school because of it. The three of us also dated three boys who were
close friends. Whenever we were seen with our respective boyfriends, we
paid the usual fondling attention to him demanded by rigid high-school
society, but in truth, none of the three of us gave a damn about any of them.
They were a convenience, something you had to wear when you went to
school functions, like a bra. Carolyn was becoming tighter than a violin
string because Larry kept pushing her to sleep with him. Connie and I told
her to go ahead and get it over with because we were sick of hearing her
bitch about Larry grabbing her boob at 12:20 a.m. every Saturday night.
Besides Connie and I were both doing it with our boyfriends with no
harmful side effects. No one was supposed to know of course, but everyone
did in that behind-the-hand manner. All this overt heterosexuality amused
me. If they only knew. Our boyfriends thought they were God’s gift because
we were sleeping with them but they were so tragically transparent that we
forgave them their arrogance.

[Conversation entre Molly, adolescente, et son père adoptif, après une énième dispute avec sa mère et grand-mère adoptives, qui l'ont toujours rejetée]
“Ocean’s really beautiful. I can’t believe there’s countries on the other
side of it and someone over there is sittin’ looking at it right as I’m sittin’
here now.”
“Yeah.” I was still pissed.
“I don’t think I could live without the ocean. All those years in
Pennsylvania. I couldn’t go back to that.”
“I don’t think I could live without the ocean. All those years in
Pennsylvania. I couldn’t go back to that.”
“Yeah. I love the ocean too, but I don’t know if I’ll live by it all the time.
Anyway, I don’t really like Florida.”
“I guess it is kind of a place for old people. Kids don’t like to stay where
they was raised anyhow so you’ll probably move on.”
“I want to go where I have a chance. I don’t have a chance here. Besides
I want to get away from all the people we know. They just get in my way.”
“You and your mother are like oil and water. You can’t just say ‘Yes’ to
her and go about your business. You have to flare up at her. Pride, girl,
pride. If you’d pretend to give in to her you wouldn’t have all these fights.”
“She’s wrong. I give in to her and it confirms her mistakes.”
“She’s set in her ways. I wouldn’t go so far as to say she’s all the time
wrong.”
“I say she’s wrong, leastways when it comes to messing with my life
she’s wrong. She’s got to have her own way. No one is telling me what to
do. No one. Especially when they’re wrong.”
“I dunno. Me, I don’t like fights, right or wrong. I smile and say ‘Yes’ to
the boss at work and ‘Yes’ to Carrie and ‘Yes’ to my folks when they was
alive. I slide by.”
“I can’t do that, Dad.”
“I know. You’ll pay for it, honey. Tears and bitterness, ’cause you’ll be
out there fighting all by yourself. Most people are cowards, like me. And if
you try to get them to fight they’ll turn on you, bad as the people you
originally fightin’ with. You’ll be all alone.”
“I’m all alone now. I’m a tenant in that house and that’s all I ever was. I
got no one but my own sweet self.”
Carl looked startled and said, “You got me. I’m your father. You ain’t
gonna be alone when I’m around.”
“Oh Daddy, you never are around.” He looked so hurt I could have bitten
my tongue off.
“It’s that I’m so tired when I come home from work these days. When
you was little and I got home you’d be asleep. Then as you grew you’d be
outside with the kids. Now I can’t seem to work up a head of steam. Some
days at work I think I’ll go home and eat supper then drive down to school
to watch you run the show. Then I sit down and read the paper and fall
asleep. I don’t get around you much. Too old, I guess—I’m sorry, honey.”
“I’m sorry too, Daddy.” I stared out at the dark waves and tried not to
look him in the face.
“Molly, I’m real proud of the things you been doin’ at school. You’re
something else again, you are. You’re gonna go on and be something
someday. And you keep on fighting for yourself. Hell, if you can fight
Carrie anyone else will be small potatoes.”

- Tous ces hommes qui cherchent une femme... et vous, vous en avez à revendre. Comment vous y prenez vous ?
- En étant idiot

his eyes were clear, deep brown. He had a bristling happy moustache over a
full, red mouth. In short, this guy was gorgeous. I was trying to remember
where I was and trying to find out if my limbs had dropped off from
frostbite.
“Come on. Grab your suitcase and let’s go to Chock Full. There’s a sister
in there who will feed us for free. Up!”
Knots of sleepy students were rushing to make their nine-o’clock class.
The revolving door to Chock Full was spinning like a top, and I was so tired
I went around twice before I could get myself out. We sat at a counter
toward the back and a waitress in a blue uniform served us coffee and
donuts. She wrote out a make-believe slip and winked at my roommate.
“Got yourself a new girlfriend, Calvin?”
“Not me, I don’t go in for girlfriends.” He winked back at her.
I looked at him with grateful eyes. “You gay?”
“Oh, I wouldn’t say I was gay. I’d just say I was enchanted.”
“Me too.”
He breathed a sigh of relief and smiled. “Right on. I was afraid you’d be
some straight chick up here for an abortion, something like that. Then I’d
have to take care of you.”
“Why, do you usually take care of the results of unchecked
heterosexuality?”
“Every now and then.”
“You’re not doing such a good job of taking care of yourself if you’re
sleeping in that car.”
“Saves rent. Actually you were lucky to find me at home last night. I
usually sleep at the house of whoever I go home with. You get breakfast
that way too. But you’d better not plan on that. Lesbians don’t pick each
other up on the street. I know a couple bars we can try out tonight and
maybe you’ll get lucky. You shouldn’t have trouble, you’re good looking
and young, two priceless attributes.”
“If it’s all the same to you, I think I’ll pass that by.”
“Oh, I know. You only do it for love.”
“Uh—well.”
“Do you want to keep sleeping in that car and freeze your ass?”
“No.”
“Then you’d better hustle a little, sweetheart.” He gave me a pinch on the
elbow.

“Well hell, Molly, what’s being married?”
“It’s a piece of paper, that’s all I can figure. Some people don’t even have
to stand in front of a preacher, so it ain’t religion. You can go on down to
the courthouse and sign up like Uncle Ep signed up for the Marine Corps.
Then you hear words said over you and you both sign this piece of paper
and you’re married.”
“Could we get married?”
“Sure, but we got to be old, fifteen or sixteen, at least.”
“That’s only four more years, Molly. Let’s get married.”
“Leroy, we don’t need to get married. We’re together all the time. It’s
silly to get married. Besides I’m never gettin’ married.”
“Everybody gets married. It’s something you have to do, like dying.”
“I ain’t doin’ it.”
“I don’t know, Molly, you’re headin’ for a hard life. You say you’re
gonna be a doctor or something great. Then you say you ain’t gettin’
married. You have to do some of the things everybody does or people don’t
like you.”
“I don’t care whether they like me or not. Everybody’s stupid, that’s what
I think. I care if I like me, that’s what I truly care about.”
“Now that’s the damndest dumb thing I ever heard. Everybody likes
themself. Fact, Florence says you got to learn not to like yourself so much
and like other people.”
“Since when have you started listening to Florence? I can’t like anybody
if I don’t like myself. Period.”
“Molly, you are flat-out crazy. Everybody likes themself, I am telling
you.”
“Oh yeah, smartass? Did you like yourself when you told Carrie you’d go
out and play and leave me trapped inside with a sewing basket?”

La récompense de la conformité est que tout le monde vous aime sauf vous-même.

Tout ce que tu peux faire dans la vie, c’est être toi-même. Certains t’aimeront pour qui tu es. La plupart t’aimeront pour les services que tu leur rendras. D’autres ne t’aimeront pas.