Jamie McGuire

Travis m'attrapa la main et soupira.
- C'est pas ce que je voulais dire... Mais s'il te fait du mal, et même s'il te met dans une situation embarrassante, dis-le-moi ok?
La colère se dissipa, je me détendis.
- Je sais bien, mais il faut que tu arrêtes avec cette attitude protectrice de grand frère. C'est pesant, à la fin.
Travis eut un petit rire.
- Je ne joue pas au grand frère, Poulette. T'es loin du compte.

Il ne répondit pas. Mais bientôt, je compris qu’il ouvrait le robinet du lavabo et se brossait les dents.

— Sors d’ici, Travis, dis-je en me drapant dans le rideau de douche.

Il me regarda, les lèvres pleines de dentifrice.

— Je ne peux pas me coucher sans me brosser les dents.

— Si tu approches à moins de cinquante centimètres de ce rideau, je te crève les yeux dans ton sommeil.

Il rigola.

— Calme-toi, je vais pas te mater !

J’attendis sous la douche, les bras serrés autour de la poitrine. Je l’entendis se rincer la bouche une fois, deux fois, puis la porte de la salle de bains se referma. Je sortis, me séchai aussi rapidement que possible, passai mon tee-shirt et mon short, mis mes lunettes et me coiffai. La crème hydratante de nuit apportée par Travis attira mon regard, et je ne pus m’empêcher de sourire. Quand il le voulait, il était attentionné, et presque gentil.

La porte s’ouvrit à nouveau.

— Allez, Poulette ! Magne-toi, quoi !

Je lui jetai mon peigne à la figure, il esquiva et referma la porte avant de regagner sa chambre en riant. Je me brossai les dents, et le rejoignis.

— Bonne nuit, Abby, me lança America comme je passai devant la chambre de Shepley.

— Bonne nuit !

J’hésitai un peu avant de toquer deux petits coups à la porte de Travis.

The hot water washed away the anger and the fear, and a new optimism came over me. I wasn't some loser that had no clue how to get a girl. Somewhere in my feelings for Abby, I'd forgotten that fact. It was time to believe in myself again, and remember that Abby wasn't just a girl that could break my heart ; she was also my best friend. I knew how to make her smile, and her favorite things. I still had a dog in this fight.

I turned on the water, letting the steam warm the room before stepping in. The reflection in the mirror startled me. Dark circles under my tired eyes, my once confident posture sagging : I looked like hell.
Once in the shower, I let the water run over my face, keeping my eyes closed. The delicate outlines of Abby's features were burned behind my eyelids. It wasn't the first time ; I saw her every time my eyes closed. Now that she was gone, it was like being stuck in a nightmare. I choked back something welling up in my chest. Every few minutes, the pain renewed itself. I missed her. God, I missed her, and everything we'd gone through playing over and over inside my head.
My palms flat against the wall of the tile, I clenched my eyes shut. « Please come back, » I said quietly. She couldn't hear me, but it didn't stop me from wishing she would come and save me from the terrible pain I felt without her there.

I cupped the top of my head with both hands.
« What happened last night wasn't her way of saying she wanted to be together. She was saying goodbye. »
« You don't know that. »
« I know her. »
« Abby cares about you. »
« She doesn't love me. »

Quick, light footsteps ran down the hall and back. America returned, her hand outstretched, holding my phone. « Call her. »
I snatched it from her hand and dialed Abby's number. It rang until the voice mail picked up. I hung up and dialed again. And again. And again. She wasn't answering. She hated me.
I dropped the phone to the ground, my chest heaving. When tears burned my eyes, I picked up the first thing my hands touched, and launched it across the room. Whatever it was splintered into large pieces.
Turning I saw the stools situated directly across from each other, reminding me of our dinner. I picked one by the legs and smashed it against the refrigerator until it broke. The refrigerator door popped open, and I kicked it again, and again, until Shepley finally rushed over to keep it closed. I stomped to my room. The messy sheets on the bed mocked me. My arms flung in every direction as I ripped them off the mattress – fitted sheet, top sheet, and blanket – and then returned to the kitchen to throw them in the trash, and then I did the same with the pillows. Still insane with anger, I stood in my room, willing myself to calm down, but there was nothing to calm down for. I'd lost everything.
Pacing, I stopped in front of the nightstand. The thought of Abby reaching into the drawer came to my mind. The hinges squeaked when I opened it , revealing the fishbowl full of condoms. I had barely delved into them since I'd met Abby. Now that she'd made her choice, I couldn't imagine being with anyone else.
The glass was cold in my hand as I picked it up and launched it across the room. It made contact with the wall beside the door and shattered, spraying small foil packages in every direction. My reflection in the mirror above my dresser looked back at me. My chest heaved, I was shaving and by anyone's standards looked insane, but control was so far out of my reach at that point. I reared back and slammed my fist into the mirror. Shards stabbed into my knuckles, leaving behing a bloody circle.
« Travis, stop ! » Shepley said from the hall. « Stop it, God dammit ! »
I rushed him, pushed him back, and then slammed my door shut. I pressed my hands flat against the wood, and then took a step back, kicking it until my foot made a dent at the bottom. I yanked on the sides it came off the hinges, and then I tossed it across the room.

« Sit.The fuck. Down. » Shepley said, pointing to the recliner.
I closed my eyes, then did what he commanded. My hands shook as I brought them to my face.
« You're lucky. I was two seconds away from calling Jim. And every brother you've got. »
I shook my head. « Don't call Dad, » I said. « Don't call him. » Salty tears burned my eyes.
« Talk. »

« You're not mad ? » I asked, surprised.
« Is that what you're so upset about ? You thought I'd be mad at you when you told me the truth ? »
« You should be. If someone single-handedly sunk my reputation, I'd be a little pissed. »
« You don't care about reputations. What happened to the Travis that doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks ? » she teased, nudging me with her elbow.
« That was before I saw the look on your face when you heard what everyone's saying. I don't want you to get hurt because of me. »
« You would never do anything to hurt me. »
« I'd rather cut off my arm, » I sighed.

Shepley pointed at me while walking to his room.
« You just admitted to it. Travis Maddox in love. Now I've heard everything. »

« Okay, Trav. Let's hear it. »
« Hear what ? » I asked, making a feeble attempt to pull away.
She shook her head. « The girl ? »
The glass touched my lips, and I tilted my head back, letting the liquid burn down my throat. « What girl ? »
Cami rolled her eyes. « What girl. Seriously ? Who do you think you're talking to ? »
« All right, all right. It's Pigeon. »
« Pigeon ? You're joking. »
I laughed once. « Abby. She's a pigeon. A demonic pigeon that fucks with my head so bad I can't think straight. Nothing makes sense anymore, Cam. Every rule I've ever made's getting broken one by one. I'm a pussy. No... worse. I'm Shep. »
Cami laughed. « Be nice. »
« You're right. Shepley's a good guy. »
« Be nice to yourself, too, » she said, throwing a rag on the counter and pushing it around in circles. « Falling for someone isn't a sin, Trav, Jesus. »
I looked around. « I'm confused. You talking to me or Jesus ? »
« I'm serious. So you have feelings for her. So what ? »
« She hates me. »
« Nah. »
« No, I heard her tonight. By accident. She thinks I'm a scumbag. »
« She said that ? »
« Pretty much. »
« Well, you kinda are. »
I frowned. « Thanks a lot. »

Before reaching the door, it flew open, and America stood with a blank look on her face.
« Is she here ? »
America nodded. « She's asleep in your room, » she said softly.
I slipped past her and sat on the couch. Shepley was on the love seat, and America plopped down beside me.
« She's okay, » America said. Her voice was sweet and reassuring.
« I shouldn't have talked to her like that, » I said. « One minute I'm pushing her as far as I can to piss her off, and the next I'm terrified she'll wise up and cut me out of her life. »
« Give her some credit. She knows exactly what you're doing. You're not her first rodeo. »
« Exactly. She deserves better. I know that, and at the same time I can't walk away. I don't know why, » I said with a sigh, rubbing my temples. « It doesn't make sense. Nothing about this makes sense. »
« Abby gets it, Trav. Don't beat yourself up, » Shepley said.
America nudged my arm with her elbow. « You're already going to the date party. What's the harm in asking her out ? »
« I don't want to date her ; I just want to be around her. She's... different. » It was a lie. America knew it, and I knew it. The truth was, if I really cared about her, I'd leave her the hell alone.
« Different how ? America asked, sounding irritated.
« She doesn't put up with my bullshit, it's refreshing. You said it yourself, Mare. I'm not her type. It's just not... like that with us. » Even if it was, it shouldn't be.
« You're closer to her type than you know, » America said.
I looked into America's eyes. She was completely serious. America was like a sister to Abby, and protective like a mother bear. They would never encourage anything for each other that could be hurtful. For the first time, I felt a glimmer of hope.

« Why do you take the remote to your bedroom ? You just have to bring it back in here, » I snapped.
« I don't know, man, it's just habit. What's your problem ? »
« I don't know, » I grumbled, flipping on the TV. I pressed the mute button. « Abby Abernathy. »
Shepley's eyebrows pushed up. « What about her ? »
« She gets under my skin. I think I just need to bag her and get it over with. »
Shepley eyed me for a while, unsure.
« It's not that I don't appreciate you not fucking up my life with your newfound restraint, but you've never needed my permission before... unless... don't tell me you finally give a shit about someone. »
« Don't be a dick. »
Shepley couldn't contain his grin. « You care about her. I guess it just took a girl refusing to sleep with you for more than a twenty-four-hour period. »
« Laura made me wait a week. »
« Abby won't give you the time of day, though ? »
« She just wants to be friends. I guess I'm lucky she doesn't treat me like a leper. »
After an awkward silence, Shepley nodded. « You're scared. »
« Of what ? » I asked with a dubious smirk.
« Rejection. Mad Dog is one of us after all. »
My eyes twitched. « You know I fucking hate that, Shep. »
Shepley smiled. « I know. Almost as you hate the way you feel right now. »
« You're not making me feel any better. »
« So you like her and you're scared. Now what ? »
« Nothing. It just sucks that I finally found the girl worth having and she's too good for me. »

Our story might have been typical : Bad boy falls for good girl, but Abby was no princess. She was hiding something. Maybe that was our connection : whatever it was that she had left behind.

The less she smiled, the more I had to stop myself from grinning from ear to ear. She was so much fun. I just couldn't get over it.

They knew it as well as I did, Abby was different, and I was going to have to work for this one. For once.

She rolled her eyes at me for the third or fourth time. I was annoying her and found it pretty amusing. Girls didn't usually treat me with unadulterated loathing, even when I was showing them the door. When even my best smiles didn't work, I turned it up a notch.
« Do you have a twitch ? »
« A what ? » she asked.
« A twitch. Your eyes keep wiggling around. » If she could have murdered me with her glare, I would have bled out on the floor. I couldn't help but laugh. She was a smart-ass and rude as hell. I liked her more every second.

I stood up and walked toward her. She had the hair of a porn star, and the face of an angel. Her eyes were almond shaped and uniquely beautiful. That was when I saw it : behind the beauty and fake innocence was something else, something cold and calculating. Even when she smiled, I could see sin so deeply engrained in her that no cardigan could hide it. Those eyes floated above her tiny nose, and smooth features. To anyone else, she was pure and naive, but this girl was hiding something. I knew it because the same sin had dwelled in me my entire life. The difference was she held it deep within her, and I let mine out of its cage on a regular basis.

« I'm done, Travis. »
He winced. « Don't say that. »
« It's over. Go home. »
His eyebrows pulled in. « You're my home. »

« When I think about my future, I see you. »

« It's just you and me against the world, Pidge. »