Why Does He Do That ?

When I have new clients, I go to the board and draw a compass with the needle pointing straight up to a big N. “You want your partner to be this compass,” I say to them, “and you want to be North. No matter where the compass goes, it always points in the same direction. And no matter where she goes, and what she's doing, or what's on her mind, you expect her to always be focused on you.” My clients sometimes protest me, “But that's what being in a relationship is about. We're SUPPOSED to focus on each other.” But I notice that when he focuses on her, most of what he thinks about is what she can do for him, not the other way around. And when he doesn't feel like focusing on her at all, he doesn't bother.
An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a bottomless pit. But he's not so much needy as ENTITLED, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep coming up with more demands because he believes his needs are your responsibility, until you feel drained to nothing.

No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn't rise and your blood shouldn't boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you –as will happen to any abused woman from time to time– he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.

Early in a relationship, Rambo is likely to be loving and kind to his partner, like most abusers. Because he lacks fear—or pretends to—he can make a woman feel safe and protected. This type of abuser can therefore be particularly appealing to a woman who comes from a violent home herself or to one *who is in the process of leaving another abusive relationship*. Rambo can make you feel as though his aggressiveness would never be directed toward you; he wishes to look after your safety as if you were his daughter. He enjoys the role of protector, feeling like a gallant knight. However, he lacks respect for women, and this disrespect, combined with his general violent tendencies, means that it is only a matter of time before he will be the one you need protection FROM.

An abuser's show of emotion after early indicents of abuse can be dramatic: I have had clients who cry, beg their partners for forgiveness, and say, "You deserve so much better, I don't know why you are even with a jerk like me." His remorse can create the impression that he is reaching out for real intimacy, especially if you've never seen him looking so sad before. But in a day or two his guit is vanquished, driven out my his internal excuse-making skills. The effects of the incident last much longer for the abused woman, of course, and pretty soon the abuser may be snapping at her: "What, aren't you over that YET? Don't dwell on it, for crying out loud. Let's put it behind us and move forward." His attitude is: "I'm over it, so why isn't she?"

The abusive man's high entitlement leads him to have unfair and unreasonable expectations, so that the relationship revolves around his demands. His attitude is: “You owe me.” For each ounce he gives, he wants a pound in return. He wants his partner to devote herself fully to catering to him, even if it means that her own needs –or her children's– get neglected. You can pour all your energy into keeping your partner content, but if he has this mind-set, he'll never be satisfied for long. And he will keep feeling that YOU are controlling HIM, because he doesn't believe that you should set any limits on his conduct or insist that he meet his responsibilities.