A Whisper and a Breath

"Ren, please. You wanted me to beg? I am. Just let me go."

I took him in, the determined and tenacious man who had dared to stand up to his southern captors, time and time again. Who had fought so fiercely to defend both strangers and family despite what it meant for himself. Who would be utterly fucking destroyed if he returned to the north, where he would either be forced to hide what he was, to rip out that part of himself and live an incomplete life... or risk his reputation, his family, and his safety in defying their laws and their god.

At least here he had someone who appreciated him, who worshipped him, even I could only show it behind closed doors when no one was watching.

His demand tore me in two, but how could I let him go, when he'd take my heart with him?

And half my skin, as my father would have me laid raw for such a thing, but I knew I could survive the king's brutal punishment if Mat was waiting for me afterwards. But to return to an empty bedchamber, knowing my wildcat was back in the north where I'd never see him again?

That would fucking break me.

Keeping him here would ensure his anger, but surely that would ease in time. Mathias was forgiving by nature.. Releasing him meant the end of everything, because Dios damn him, he was mine and I was ins. Had I not suffered through enough shit in my life? Did I not deserve this one tiny slice of happiness?

Didn't he?

My eyes fell to his right wrist, where the blue ribbon was still tied. The blood from that day in the throne room had soaked into it, and he should have gotten rid of it a long time ago. He hadn't.

I waved Ademar and Luis closer, and turned back towards the palace.

"No."

"Morning, Mathias," Jiron murmured in greeting, and his friendly, neutral smile gave me hope that he hadn't heard anything... untoward coming from behind the doors he was guarding this morning.

And then the sly smirk worn by the man standing next to him undid that optimism immediately.

"Something to say, Ademar?" I snapped, and he shook his head slowly, not bothering to wipe an ounce of the smugness off his face.

"I believe you've said it all," he offered. "Or screamed it. What does da, bystreye! mean, anyway?"

"Yes, faster!" Ren helpfully supplied from behind me where Camila was painting his eyes with kohl. Flushing, I pulled the door shut and slammed it between us.

"Quite clearly, it means mind your own fucking business," I told the guard through gritted teeth. I hadn't realised I'd been loud enough for him to have made out my words. By the Blessed, this was humiliating.

"Right," Ademar said, but if anything, his grin became even wider. "And ya blizko!?"

I trudged back to my rooms, replaying what had happened in the throne room again and again. That spark of hope in his expression as he begged me to help him, only to be stamped out by the devastation of his anguish when I didn't.

I'd done that to him.

I'd seen all that life and joy in Mat, and I'd destroyed it.

"Your Highness. My prince."

I couldn't breathe. My heart was beating so fast it was painful, loud, heavy thumps that drowned out the world. My chest was encased in a band of iron, squeezing tighter and tighter. My head was swimming, my throat gasping for air, and through it all was that overwhelming, urgent sense of horror.

Something firm wrapped around my shoulders, and I clasped at it blindly, unsure if I was trying to push it away or pull it closer, and did it even matter because I couldn't breathe and there was something in my throat and get it out get it out-

"Ren!"

"So if we're stabbing people in the back this morning, Luis, you should know that it was actually Ren who plotted to steal your biscuits."

Ren's eyes sparkled. "You'll find it was Nat who did the actual taking."

"While you distracted him," I countered, entertained by how Luis' head was tracking between us both. "Besides, you ate more of them."

"Did not."

"I'm sorry, is six not more than two? Perhaps maths works differently south of the border?"

"Stealing is a sin, Mathias," Ren said piously. "I expect you'll be joining me in my morning prayers to ask His forgiveness for the seven stolen lemon biscuits you consumed."

"I can't tell which of them is lying," Ademar muttered to Elías, eyeing me and Ren suspiciously.

"Both of them," said Luis. "There were only three."

"I've just had to sit here and watch someone taste all my food for poison," I said, eyeing the huge mouthful taken out of each dish with distaste. "So someone better get me my fucking cherries, or neither of you are going to like how creative I get with my punishment for your disobedience."

Luis nudged Mat with his elbow. "As Jiron is collecting Lady Moreno, I'm in charge here. And I'm delegating this task to you."

"Then I guess I have no choice, do I?" Mat responded, looking up at him all wide-eyed and innocent.

I watched him carefully, knowing he had plenty of choices that didn't involve giving in so easily, and wondering what he was up to.

Mathias stepped forward and grabbed a bowl from the table, offering it to me.

"No," Luis snapped. "That's salsa, imbécil."

"Oh. This one?" asked Mat.

"No."

"This one?"

"No. Don't you know what cherries look like?"

"Well, I thought I did, but your yelling suggests not. How about this one?"

"That's the same one."

"So it must be this one," Mat declared, satisfaction in his voice as he held it up.

"Oh for fuck's sake," Luis snapped, sweeping down over Mat's shoulder to grab the one bowl he'd had been determinedly avoiding, and thrusting it into my hands. Mat smirked at me, and I swallowed my laugh. "Gracias Mathias," I said, biting into a cherry and pulling the stalk free as I held it between my teeth. "I appreciate your prompt attendance to my needs."