Beautiful Disaster

« But I... that wasn't the only reason I took you to fight. I wanted you there with me, Pidge. You're my good-luck charm. »
« I'm not your anything, » I snapped, glaring up at him.
His eyebrows pulled in and he stopped dancing. « You're my everything. »

All along I believed that I was important to Travis, that he needed me. But in that moment, I felt like the shiny new toy Parker said I was. He wanted to prove to Parker that I was still his. His.
« I'm nobody's, » I said to the empty room.
As the words sunk in, I was overwhelmed with the grief I'd felt from the night before. I belonged to no one.
I'd never felt so alone in my life.

He smiled. « I love you. I can't let other guys dance with you. »
« Oh yeah ? How much did you love me when you were buying that box of condoms ? »

« I can't win with you. I can't win with you ! You say you're done... I'm fucking miserable over here ! I had to break my phone into a million pieces to keep from calling you every minute of the damn day – I've had to play it off like everything is just fine at school so you can he happy... and you're fucking mad at me ? You broke my fuckin' heart ! » His last words echoed into the night.

Travis grabbed my shoulders and pulled me to him. « Do you want me or not ? You can't keep doing this to me, Pidge ! »
« I didn't come here to see you. » I said, glaring up at him.
« I don't want her, » he said, staring at my lips. « I'm just so fucking unhappy, Pigeon. » His eyes glossed over and he leaned in, tilting his head to kiss me.
I grabbed him by the chin, holding him back.
« You've got her lipstick on your mouth, Travis. » I said, disgusted.
He took a step back and lifted his shirt, wiping his mouth. He stared at the red streaks on the with fabric and shook his head. « I just wanted to forget. Just for one fuckin' night. »
I wiped an escaped tear. « Then don't let me stop you. »

« I'm different. I don't know what happened to me in Vegas. That wasn't me. I was thinking about everything we could buy with that money, and that was all I was thinking about. I didn't see how much it hurt you for me to want to take you back there, but deep down, I think I knew. I deserved for you to leave me. I deserved all the sleep I lost and the pain I've felt. I needed all that to realize how much I need you and what I'm willing to do to keep you in my life. »
(…)
« You said you're done with me, and I accept that. I'm a different person since I met you. I've changed... for the better. But no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to do right by you. We were friends first, and I can't lose you, Pigeon. I will always love you, but if I can't make you happy, it doesn't make much sense for me to try to get you back. I can't imagine being with anyone else, but I'll be happy as long as we're friends. »
« You want to be friends ? » I asked, the words burning in my mouth.
« I want you to be happy. Whatever that takes. »
My insides wrenched at his words, and I was surprised at the overpowering pain I felt. He was giving me an out, and it was exactly when I didn't want it. I could have told him that I had changed my mind and he would take back everything he'd just said, but I knew that it wasn't fair to either of us to hold on just when he had let go.

I felt at home, sitting at a table full of men who were leaning back in their chairs, rubbing their full bellies. Emotion overwhelmed me when I fantasized about Christmas and Easter and every other holiday I would spend at that table. I wanted nothing more than to be a part of this broken, loud family that I adored.

As I lay next to his bare skin, seeing the unconditional love in his eyes, I let go of my disappointment and my anger and my stubborn resolve. I loved him, and no matter what my reasons were to live without him, I knew it wasn't what I wanted. Even if I hadn't changed me mind, it was impossible for us to stay away from each other.

« I've got less than twenty-four hours with you, Pidge. I'm gonna kiss you. I'm gonna kiss you a lot today. All day. Every chance I get. If you want me to stop, just say the word, but until you do, I'm going to make every second of my last day with you count. »

« You have to be patient with him. Travis doesn't remember much about it, but he was close to his mom, and after we lost her he was never the same. I thought he'd grow out of it, you know, with him being so young. It was hard on all of us, but Trav... he quit trying to love people after that. I was surprised that he brought you here. The way he acts around you, the way he looks at you... I knew you were somethin' special.  Travis'll have a hard time. He's going to make a lot of mistakes. He grew up around a bunch of motherless boys and a lonely, grouchy old man for a father. We were all a little lost after Diane died, and I guess I didn't help the boys cope the way I should have. I know it's hard to blame him, but you have to love him anyway, Abby. You're the only woman he's loved besides his mother. I don't know what it'll do to him if you leave him, too. »
I swallowed back the tears and nodded, unable to reply. Jim rested his hand on my shoulder and squeezed. « I've never seen him smile the way he does when he's with you. I hope all my boys have an Abby one day. »
His footsteps faded down the hallway and I gripped the edge of the sink, trying to catch my breath. I knew spending the holiday with Travis and his family would be difficult, but I didn't think my heart would be broken all over again.

« I'm going to stay the hell out of Vegas and away from Benny... I'm going to finish school. But I need you. I need you. You're my best friend. » His voice was desperate and broken, matching his expression.
In the dim light I could see a tear fall from his eye, and in the next moment he reached out for me and I was in his arms, his lips on mine. He squeezed me tight against his chest as he kissed me, and then cradled my face in his hands, pressing his lips harder against my mouth, desperate to get a reaction.
« Kiss me, » he whispered, sealing his mouth on mine. I kept my eyes and mouth closed, relaxing in his arms. It took everything I had not to move my mouth with his, having longed for his lips all week.
« Kiss me ! » he begged. « Please, Pigeon ! I told him no ! »
When I felt hot tears searing down my cold face, I shoved him away. « Leave me alone, Travis ! »
I had only made it a few feet when he grabbed my wrist. My arm was straight, outstretched behind me. I didn't turn around.
« I am begging you. » My arm lowered and tugged as he fell to his knees. « I'm begging you, Abby. Don't do this. »
I turned to see his agonized expression, and then my eyes drifted down my arm to his, seeing my nickname in thick black letters on his flexed wrist. I looked away, toward the cafeteria. He had proven to me what I had been afraid of all along. As much as he loved me, when money was involved, I would be second. Just as I was with Mick.
(…)
« Let me go, Travis. »