The Quite Nice and Fairly Accurate Good Omens Script Book

421 – EXT. TADFIELD VILLAGE – DAY

Newt is driving. He’s heading into Tadfield, passing the village green…

As he drives he’s talking to himself, doing different voices…

NEWT

"Man with a pin. Nobody move, I’ve got a pin. I’ve got a pin, and I’m not afraid to use it… Have Pin, Will Travel. The Pinslinger. The Man with the Golden Pin. The Pins of Navarone. Pins ’n’ Roses…"

And we pull back because, dear god, we are looking at a FLYING SAUCER, descending from the sky in front of us. It’s a big silver classic saucer ship, like the Dalek saucers in Doctor Who.

Newt slams his foot down on the brakes. He looks up at the saucer. A door opens. Blue light floods out.

Three shadowy figures stand in the door, ALIEN TOAD, GREEN ALIEN. And THE PEPPERPOT, who looks like cross between R2D2 and a Dalek.

202 - INT. AZIRAPHALE'S BOOKSHOP, MAIN SPACE - DAY - PRESENT DAY

There are a couple of browsing customers. And as Aziraphale comes in from the back, the doorbell dings.

AZIRAPHALE

"Can I help you?"

It's Gabriel, and his thuggish angelic number two, Sandalphon.

GABRIEL

(loudly)

"I would like to purchase one of your material objects."

Sandalphon corrects him.

SANDALPHON

"Books."

GABRIEL

"Books. Let us discuss my purchase in a private place. Because I am buying, er..."

SANDALPHON

"Pornography?"

GABRIEL

(proudly and loudly)

"Pornography."

He picks up an (obviously not pornographic) vintage book. Aziraphale sees Crowley through the window, out on the pavement, heading for his car.

AZIRAPHALE

"Gabriel. Sandalphon. Please, come into my back room."

Sandalphon adds, for the benefit of any customers who had missed it...

SANDALPHON

"We humans are extremely easily embarrassed. We must buy our pornography secretively."