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ISBN : 0425191656
Éditeur : Berkley Books (02/09/2003)

Note moyenne : 5/5 (sur 1 notes)
Résumé :
This fascinating investigation into what makes abusive men tick is alarming, but its candid handling of a difficult subject makes it a valuable resource for professionals and victims alike.
Bancroft, the former codirector of Emerge, the nation's first program for abusive men, has specialized in domestic violence for 15 years, and his understanding of his subject and audience is apparent on every page. "One of the prevalent features of life with an angry or co... >Voir plus
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Citations et extraits (52) Voir plus Ajouter une citation
HarmonideHarmonide   14 avril 2018
When I have new clients, I go to the board and draw a compass with the needle pointing straight up to a big N. “You want your partner to be this compass,” I say to them, “and you want to be North. No matter where the compass goes, it always points in the same direction. And no matter where she goes, and what she's doing, or what's on her mind, you expect her to always be focused on you.” My clients sometimes protest me, “But that's what being in a relationship is about. We're SUPPOSED to focus on each other.” But I notice that when he focuses on her, most of what he thinks about is what she can do for him, not the other way around. And when he doesn't feel like focusing on her at all, he doesn't bother.
An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a bottomless pit. But he's not so much needy as ENTITLED, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep coming up with more demands because he believes his needs are your responsibility, until you feel drained to nothing.
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HarmonideHarmonide   16 avril 2018
No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn't rise and your blood shouldn't boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you –as will happen to any abused woman from time to time– he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.
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HarmonideHarmonide   09 janvier 2019
An abuser's show of emotion after early indicents of abuse can be dramatic: I have had clients who cry, beg their partners for forgiveness, and say, "You deserve so much better, I don't know why you are even with a jerk like me." His remorse can create the impression that he is reaching out for real intimacy, especially if you've never seen him looking so sad before. But in a day or two his guit is vanquished, driven out my his internal excuse-making skills. The effects of the incident last much longer for the abused woman, of course, and pretty soon the abuser may be snapping at her: "What, aren't you over that YET? Don't dwell on it, for crying out loud. Let's put it behind us and move forward." His attitude is: "I'm over it, so why isn't she?"
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HarmonideHarmonide   15 avril 2018
The abusive man's high entitlement leads him to have unfair and unreasonable expectations, so that the relationship revolves around his demands. His attitude is: “You owe me.” For each ounce he gives, he wants a pound in return. He wants his partner to devote herself fully to catering to him, even if it means that her own needs –or her children's– get neglected. You can pour all your energy into keeping your partner content, but if he has this mind-set, he'll never be satisfied for long. And he will keep feeling that YOU are controlling HIM, because he doesn't believe that you should set any limits on his conduct or insist that he meet his responsibilities.
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HarmonideHarmonide   03 août 2018
At this point I required Brad to leave the workshop. I then had to deal with a mini-insurrection from some of the other workshop participants, who couldn't believe I was ejecting this gentle man who was so in touch with his feelings. He CRIES after all; how could he be abusive?
This “gentle man” type of abuser tends to be highly self-centered and demanding of emotional catering. He might not be the man who has a fit because dinner is late but rather erupts because of some way his partner failed to sacrifice her own needs or interests to keep him content. He plays up how fragile he is to divert attention from the swath of destruction he leaves behind him.
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Commenter  J’apprécie          20
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Vidéo de Lundy Bancroft
Lundy Bancroft at EADV event speaks on Domestic Violence in Popular Culture. Department of Revenue, Boston, MA December 15, 2010. (Part 7)
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Quiz Harry Potter (difficile:1-7)

De quoi la famille Dursley a-t'elle le plus peur?

des voisins curieux
des hiboux
de Harry
de tout ce qui peut les faire paraître étranges

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